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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • AND WE ARE COMING-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • YEAH.

  • >> Jon: YEAH!

  • >> Stephen: YOU CAN FEEL A LOT OF ENERGY IN THE COUNTRY RIGHT

  • NOW BECAUSE WE ARE COMING TO WHAT MIGHT BE THE END OF DONALD

  • TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

  • REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO WRAP IT ALL UP IN TIME TO NOT LEARN

  • ANYTHING.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL EXPLAINED IN THE NEW

  • FILM: "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU

  • DID LAST SUMMER."

  • WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.

  • WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.

  • NOW-- COMING TO GET YOU!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, WE LEARNED A LOT.

  • THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF ARGUMENTS TODAY.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT

  • IMPEACH."

  • >> OH, NO!

  • OH, MY GOODNESS.

  • FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.

  • ( BELL RINGS ) >> Stephen: TODAY, WE BEGAN A

  • NEW PHASE OF THE TRIAL, WHERE SENATORS CAN ASK QUESTIONS OF

  • THE TWO SIDES.

  • LAWYERS, SORT OF.

  • BECAUSE UNDER THE TRIAL RULES, SENATORS ARE TO SUBMIT WRITTEN

  • QUERIES TO BE READ ALOUD BY CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS.

  • SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE SEX ED, WHERE THEY LET STUDENTS SUBMIT

  • UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS ANONYMOUSLY.

  • ( AS ROBERTS ) "LET'S SEE HERE, THE

  • DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN FROM INDIANA INQUIRES...

  • 'CAN YOU GET PREGNANT FROM HAND STUFF'?"

  • YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T.

  • EVERYTHING IS FINE.

  • THE STAR OF TODAY'S TRIAL WAS TRUMP'S LAWYER AND AGING

  • UNDERWEAR MODEL, ALAN DERSHOWITZ.

  • >> Audience: BOOOOO!

  • >> Stephen: ENJOY RETIREMENT.

  • HE WAS READY TO GO THE MOMENT HE ARRIVED AT THE SENATE BUILDING,

  • PROUDLY HOLDING UP A BAG OF UTZ SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS.

  • WHICH I PERSONALLY THINK THEY SHOULD USE AS A NEW AD CAMPAIGN:

  • "DEFENDING THIS PRESIDENT?

  • THAT IS UTZ'D UP."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOVE IT.

  • >> I COULD GO FOR A LITTLE UTZ.

  • >> Jon: BARBECUE FLAVOR.

  • >> Stephen: WHEN QUESTIONS BEGAN, DERSHOWITZ LAUNCHED INTO

  • A FREUDIAN DEFENSE.

  • >> EVERY PUBLIC OFFICIAL THAT I KNOW BELIEVES THAT HIS ELECTION

  • IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

  • EVERY PRESIDENT BELIEVES THAT.

  • THAT IS WHY IT'S SO DANGEROUS TO TRY TO PSYCHOANALYZE A

  • PRESIDENT, TO TRY TO GET INTO THE INTRICACIES OF THE HUMAN

  • MIND!

  • >> Stephen: YES, TRUMP'S MIND IS SO INTRICATE, SO HARD TO

  • PENETRATE.

  • HE'S FULL OF COMPLEX IDEAS, LIKE...

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "SHARKS BAD.

  • BOOBS GOOD.

  • WHERE'S FOOD?" NOW, DERSHOWITZ PREVIOUSLY GAVE

  • US THE CRAZY THEORY, "QUID PRO QUO ISN'T IMPEACHABLE."

  • TODAY, HE ROLLED OUT HIS SEQUEL: IT MIGHT BE GOOD!

  • >> EVERY PUBLIC OFFICIAL THAT I KNOW BELIEVES THAT HIS ELECTION

  • IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

  • AND, MOSTLY, YOU ARE RIGHT.

  • YOUR ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

  • AND IF A PRESIDENT DOES SOMETHING WHICH HE BELIEVES WILL

  • HELP HIM GET ELECTED IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST, THAT CANNOT BE

  • THE KIND OF QUID PRO QUO THAT RESULTS IN IMPEACHMENT!

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: SO LET ME GET THIS

  • STRAIGHT: HE'S SAYING THAT IF A POLITICIAN BELIEVES THEIR

  • REELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST-- AND HE JUST SAID ALL

  • FOLLOWS THAT ANYTHING THEY DO TO GET REELECTED IS FINE.

  • THAT SEEMS LIKE A CRAZY, CORRUPT ARGUMENT.

  • I MEAN, NO ONE HAS EVER ARGUED THAT THAT QUID PRO QUO ISN'T

  • ILLEGAL.

  • >> WHEN THE PRESIDENT DOES IT, THAT MEANS IT IS NOT ILLEGAL.

  • >> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED ( LAUGHTER )

  • I STAND CORRECTED ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Jon: WHOA, WHOA!

  • >> Stephen: BY YET ANOTHER DICK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOW, SIFTING THROUGH THE LOGICAL TURD DERSHOWITZ JUST PINCHED

  • OUT IN THE SENATE WELL THERE, IT'S HARD TO FIND

  • THE LARGEST CORN KERNEL OF LOGICAL FALLACY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT I THINK IT'S THIS--

  • HIS JUSTIFICATION FOR WHY ANY QUID PRO QUO WITH A FOREIGN

  • GOVERNMENT TO MANIPULATE OUR ELECTIONS WOULD BE FINE.

  • WHY IS THAT AGAIN, ALAN?

  • >> YOUR ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

  • >> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT.

  • ONLY THE PUBLIC GETS TO DECIDE WHAT'S IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST,

  • NOT THE POLITICIAN.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S-- IT'S "WE THE PEOPLE" NOT

  • YOU THE DOUCHE BAG.

  • THAT'S WHY ON ELECTION DAY, YOU DON'T SEE A POLITICIAN WEARING A

  • STICKER THAT SAYS, "YOU VOTED.

  • TRUST ME."

  • OF COURSE, ESTEEMED COUNSELOR TIGHTY WHITEY DOES THINK SOME

  • QUID QUO PRO MIGHT BE POSSIBLY BAD.

  • >> IT WOULD BE A MUCH HARDER CASE IF A HYPOTHETICAL PRESIDENT

  • OF THE UNITED STATES SAID TO A HYPOTHETICAL LEADER OF A

  • FOREIGN COUNTRY, "UNLESS YOU BUILD A HOTEL WITH MY NAME ON IT

  • AND UNLESS YOU GIVE ME A MILLION-DOLLAR KICKBACK, I WILL

  • WITHHOLD THE FUNDS."

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "SLOW DOWN, DERSH.

  • THESE ARE GREAT IDEAS.

  • ERIC, START TAKING NOTES.

  • WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?

  • WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?" HE CONTINUED WITH HIS BLUEPRINT

  • FOR A BANANA REPUBLIC: >> A COMPLEX MIDDLE CASE IS.

  • "I WANT TO BE ELECTED BECAUSE I THINK I'M A GREAT PRESIDENT.

  • I THINK I'M THE GREATEST PRESIDENT THERE EVER WAS, AND IF

  • I'M NOT ELECTED, THE NATIONAL INTEREST WILL SUFFER GREATLY."

  • THAT CANNOT BE AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE.

  • >> Stephen: "THAT CAN'T BE AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE"?

  • YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT SORT OF INSPIRATIONAL

  • POSTERS ARE HANGING IN DERSHOWITZ'S OFFICE?

  • "CONFIDENCE: WHEN YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN FLY, YOU'RE ALWAYS ABOVE

  • THE LAW."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO-- SO--

  • >> Jon: OOOOH!

  • >> Stephen: SO WHAT WOULD MAKE A QUID QUO PRO ILLEGAL, ALAN

  • DERSHOWITZ?

  • >> THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE A QUID PRO QUO UNLAWFUL IS

  • IF THE QUO WERE, IN SOME WAY, ILLEGAL.

  • >> Stephen: SO THE ONLY WAY IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL IS IF IT'S

  • ILLEGAL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOUR LOGIC IS LIKE A SNAKE

  • EATING ITS OWN TAIL.

  • OR A HEAD EATING ITS OWN ASS, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE YOU

  • PULLED THAT ARGUMENT RIGHT OUT OF THE OLD DERSHY HIGHWAY

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, EARLIER TODAY--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GET IT OFF.

  • >> Stephen: EARLIER TODAY, TRUMP HELD A SIGNING CEREMONY FOR HIS

  • U.S.M.C.A. TRADE DEAL, AND HE GOT SOME OF HIS SENATE BUDDIES

  • PUMPED UP TO ASK THEIR QUESTIONS.

  • >> TED CRUZ.

  • BOY, HAS HE BEEN-- WHERE IS TED?

  • BOY, OH, BOY, HE'S DYING TO GET BACK THERE AND ASK THOSE

  • QUESTIONS, I KNOW.

  • HE'S SITTING THERE, "LET ME OUT OF THERE, PRESIDENT!

  • I WANT TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS!" HE'S GOT SOME BEAUTIES, I'LL

  • BET.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

  • IN FACT, WE HAVE A COPY OF TED CRUZ'S FIRST QUESTION TODAY,

  • "WHY DO PEOPLE OF EARTH RECOIL WHEN VIEWING TED CRUZ'S HUMAN

  • SMILE?" ( LAUGHTER )

  • THE BIG DECISION HANGING OVER THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS WHETHER

  • OR NOT THE SENATE IS GOING TO ALLOW ANY WITNESSES.

  • SPECIFICIALLY, FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR JOHN BOLTON,

  • SEEN HERE AFTER BEING TOLD HE CAN'T HAVE A BALLOON OR A WAR

  • WITH IRAN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, REPORTEDLY, IN BOLTON'S

  • UPCOMING BOOK, HE SAYS TRUMP TOLD HIM PERSONALLY THAT

  • MILITARY AID TO UKRAINE WAS BEING HELD UP UNLESS

  • ZELENSKY LAUNCHED AN INVESTIGATION OF THE BIDENS.

  • THERE IT IS.

  • THAT'S NOT JUST A SMOKING GUN.

  • THAT IS A FLAMETHROWER THAT IS ON FIRE.

  • TODAY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • TODAY, NATURALLY, IN RESPONSE TO THIS REVELATION, TODAY TRUMP

  • ATTACKED BOLTON'S CHARACTER TWEETING:

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "FOR A GUY WHO COULDN'T GET

  • APPROVED FOR THE AMBASSADOR TO THE U.N. YEARS AGO, COULDN'T

  • GET APPROVED FOR ANYTHING SINCE, BEGGED ME FOR A

  • NONSENATE-APPROVED JOB-- WHICH I GAVE HIM DESPITE MANY SAYING

  • "DON'T DO IT, SIR"-- TAKES THE JOB, MISTAKENLY SAYS 'LIBYAN

  • MODEL' ON TV, AND DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, MANY MORE

  • MISTAKES OF JUDGEMENT, GETS FIRED BECAUSE FRANKLY, IF I

  • LISTENED TO HIM, WE WOULD BE IN WORLD WAR SIX BY NOW, AND GOES

  • OUT AND IMMEDIATELY WRITES A NASTY AND UNTRUE BOOK, ALL

  • CLASSIFIED.

  • NATIONAL SECURITY.

  • WHO WOULD DO THIS?" FIRST OF ALL, WORLD WAR SIX?

  • "OPERATION TOKYO DRIFT"?

  • ALSO, IF EVERYTHING BOLTON SAID IS "NASTY AND UNTRUE," HOW CAN

  • IT ALSO BE CLASSIFIED?

  • THAT WOULD CERTAINLY CHANGE "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE."

  • >> YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS NASTY

  • AND UNTRUE.

  • THIS TAPE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS.

  • I LIED.

  • IT'S TWO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO TWEETED,

  • "WHY DIDN'T JOHN BOLTON COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS 'NONSENSE' A LONG

  • TIME AGO, WHEN HE WAS VERY PUBLICLY TERMINATED?

  • HE SAID-- NOT THAT IT MATTERS-- NOTHING!"

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "HE SAID NOTHING!

  • NOT THAT IT MATTERS!

  • BECAUSE JOHN BOLTON'S BETRAYAL DEFINITELY DIDN'T HURT MY

  • FEELINGS!

  • I DON'T SPEND MY NIGHTS CLUTCHING THE PRINGLES CAN WITH

  • HIS FACE ON IT, CRYING AND EATING HIS DELICIOUS CRISPY

  • INNARDS.

  • NO.

  • ME AND DERSHOWITZ ARE MOVING ON TO UTZ."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TODAY--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "IT'S A CALL-BACK, GUYS.

  • IT'S A CALL-BACK.

  • UTZ.

  • UTZ.

  • >> Jon: BARBECUE FLAVOR STILL THE ONE.

  • >> Stephen: TODAY WE LEARNED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE ISSUED A

  • FORMAL THREAT TO BOLTON TO KEEP HIM FROM PUBLISHING HIS BOOK.

  • WOW.

  • WOW, SO RARE FOR TRUMP TO ISSUE A FORMAL THREAT.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "DEAREST ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE, IT

  • IS MY SINCEREST RECOMMENDATION THAT YOU KEEP ONE EYE OPEN WHILE

  • YOU SLEEP.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BEST REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY AND

  • YOUR TEMPORARILY UNCUT BRAKE CABLES, DONALD J. TRUMP."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE THREAT CAME IN THE FORM OF A

  • LETTER TO BOLTON'S LAWYER, SAYING THE BOOK CONTAINED

  • INFORMATION AT THE TOP SECRET LEVEL THAT COULD "CAUSE

  • EXCEPTIONALLY GRAVE HARM TO THE NATIONAL SECURITY OF THE UNITED

  • STATES."

  • WELL, GIVEN EVERYTHING TRUMP'S DONE TO HARM THE NATIONAL

  • SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES, AT THIS POINT, I THINK WE CAN

  • HANDLE A BOOK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS LIKE--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS-- THIS IS-- THIS IS LIKE

  • REPEATEDLY GETTING RUN OVER BY A BUS, AND THEN THE

  • PARAMEDIC SAYS, "OKAY, THIS COTTON SWAB MIGHT STING A BIT."

  • THE MAN CHARGED WITH KEEPING BOLTON FROM TESTIFYING IS SENATE

  • MAJORITY LEADER, AND EMPEROR PALPATINE'S FUN BROTHER, MITCH

  • McCONNELL.

  • >> Audience: BOOOO!

  • >> Stephen: A LITTLE LATE WITH THAT.

  • NOW, YESTERDAY, AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT,

  • McCONNELL TOLD REPUBLICAN SENATORS HE DOES NOT YET HAVE

  • THE VOTES YET TO BLOCK.

  • WITNESSES.

  • NICE EDITING, WAPO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO:

  • GRAMMAR DIES IN DARKNESS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT IS NEWS THAT McCONNELL

  • DOES NOT YET HAVE ENOUGH VOTES YET.

  • IT'S PROBABLY WHY HE WENT UP TO CAPITOL HILL BRIGHT AND EARLY

  • TO LOBBY SENATORS AND SACRIFICE A GOAT.

  • McCONNELL DOES NOT HAVE THE OFFICIAL VOTE COUNT, BUT HE'S

  • BEEN TALLYING GOP SUPPORT FOR WITNESSES BY USING A CARD WITH

  • "YES," "NO," AND "MAYBES" MARKED ON IT.

  • HE'S TREATING IMPEACHMENT LIKE A SEVENTH GRADER WHO HAS A CRUSH.

  • PASSING NOTES THAT SAY "DO YOU LIKE DEMOCRACY?

  • YES, NO, MAYBE.

  • ALSO, MITT ROMNEY EATS BOOGERS, PASS IT ON."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO WE DON'T KNOW