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  • - Hey, everybody.

  • Trevor Noah here.

  • It's now day eight of being locked in the house,

  • AKA social distancing.

  • Oh, and here's a fun tip I learned today.

  • Your phone doesn't just do Instagram;

  • it can also make phone calls.

  • Pretty neat.

  • #lifehack.

  • Anyway, on today's episode,

  • we're gonna catch up on the latest news,

  • like how China is getting the coronavirus under control,

  • U.S. politicians are making money off of the crisis,

  • and New York and California are shutting it all down.

  • So, let's get into another episode

  • of The Daily Social Distancing Show.

  • (dynamic music)

  • - [Announcer] From Trevor's couch in New York City

  • to your couch somewhere in the world,

  • this is The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah.

  • - All right, let's kick it off with the good news first.

  • China has reported its second day

  • of no new coronavirus infections.

  • All of this thanks to extreme social distancing.

  • Yeah.

  • They've also reported that they now have zero cases

  • of having to make small talk with annoying people,

  • so two reasons to keep social distancing alive.

  • And for those people who are complaining

  • that social distancing is so boring, here's a tip,

  • here's a tip, guys.

  • This is a great time to grab that book

  • you've been meaning to read for two years,

  • and then use it as a pillow to nap.

  • Yeah, naps kill time.

  • You won't notice it.

  • In other good news, researchers in France

  • say that a combination of antimalarial drugs and antibiotics

  • could prove effective in treating the virus.

  • And, they're not the only ones

  • experimenting with combinations.

  • In fact, parents stuck at home with their kids

  • have found that a combination of Peppa Pig and red wine

  • gives them 20 minutes of happy time,

  • whereas black grandmothers have stuck

  • with their tried and tested combination

  • of Vicks Vaporub and Jesus.

  • "Just pray, Trevor.

  • "Just pray.

  • "He will heal you.

  • "And if that fails, go to the hospital."

  • So, that's some good news for the day.

  • Unfortunately, on the shitty side,

  • Italy is reporting that their coronavirus numbers

  • have now officially surpassed China's.

  • And yesterday, they saw their highest death toll so far,

  • with over 400 deaths in one day.

  • And repeatedly, Italians have urged all other countries

  • around the world to use their crisis as a cautionary tale.

  • Italians are warning the world,

  • "If you don't take coronavirus seriously,

  • "it sneaks up on you, and it explodes out of nowhere."

  • Kinda like the same way Adam Driver snuck up on all of us.

  • Like, for a while he was just that weird boyfriend on Girls.

  • And suddenly, bam!

  • He's Star Wars, Marriage Story, and The BlacKkKlansman.

  • We never saw it coming.

  • So, every country needs to heed Italy's warning.

  • And if there's one country that has a horrible track record

  • of heeding warnings, it's the United States.

  • Because it just came out that America

  • hasn't even been heeding its own warnings.

  • Yeah, leaked documents show that the Department

  • of Health and Human Services ran a simulation

  • of this exact type of crisis just last year,

  • showing that a respiratory virus starting in China

  • could easily jump and spread into the United States.

  • So, the federal government had a model

  • that showed this exact scenario,

  • how it would almost exactly happen,

  • but it got almost no attention from Trump's White House.

  • And that's probably the first time

  • Trump has ever ignored a model in his life.

  • In fact, normally it's a model who's ignoring him.

  • And the White House ignoring these warnings

  • isn't the only reason to be pissed off at politicians today,

  • because last night, and this is one of the craziest stories,

  • last night we learned that at least four Senators

  • may have gotten advanced information about the coronavirus

  • and then sold their stocks before the market crashed.

  • Yeah.

  • Now, these Senators say that they're making money

  • off of this coronavirus information is all a coincidence,

  • but come on, people, really?

  • Yeah, you got top secret corona information?

  • And then you just happened to dump your stocks

  • that get affected by coronavirus?

  • Get the (bleep) outta here, man.

  • This would be like if the captain of the Titanic

  • was just walking around in a life vest

  • before hitting the iceberg, like, "Don't worry, everyone.

  • "I'm just wearing this as a fashion accessory.

  • "Now please enjoy the buffet.

  • "Everything is normal."

  • And that's another reason

  • we should all be pissed off right now.

  • Politicians knew, months ago, how bad this thing would be.

  • But in public, they were acting like everything was cool.

  • Like, I don't like that they made

  • some money on the stock market.

  • But I hate that they were telling us it was okay

  • to lick doorknobs until like yesterday!

  • And those aren't the only politicians

  • pissing people off right now.

  • Because yesterday, the White House and Mitch McConnell

  • proposed a stimulus package that would give

  • direct financial assistance to the middle class.

  • $1,200 per person.

  • Which sounds great, right?

  • But, the catch is that, for those people

  • who are really poor, they only get $600, which is insane.

  • The people who need help the most are gonna get less money?

  • How does that make any sense?

  • That would be like a firefighter

  • driving past the burning house

  • to first go blow out someone's birthday candles.

  • "I'll save your house later, but Claire is turning 25!"

  • And the reason it's so important for the government

  • to help people who earn the lowest incomes

  • is because coronavirus is already starting

  • to cost people their jobs.

  • People who work in office jobs

  • might be able to work from home, but many people

  • who work hourly have already been laid off.

  • In fact, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin

  • estimated the unemployment rate

  • could go all the way up to 20%.

  • That's really scary when you think about it.

  • Just imagine that many people not working.

  • And not like Ivanka not working.

  • I'm talking like real not working.

  • Now, one good piece of policy news that came out today

  • is that the IRS announced the annual tax filing deadline

  • will be delayed for three months,

  • from April 15th to July 15th.

  • So yes, that's really big news.

  • The IRS actually pushed back tax day,

  • or as billionaires call it, "The what day?"

  • "Tax?

  • "Is that a word?"

  • I'm actually glad they're pushing back tax day.

  • I think what they also need to do is move April Fools' Day,

  • 'cause coronavirus is not gonna be

  • a great time to make pranks.

  • "Guess what, honey.

  • "They found a cure for coronavirus.

  • "You can go outside."

  • "Yay!"

  • "Ha, ha, April Fools!

  • "We can never leave.

  • "All right, I'm gonna go

  • "poop in the bathroom with the door open.

  • "I love you."

  • Now, with all the fear and uncertainty

  • and chaos gripping America right now,

  • the nation needs a leader more than ever

  • to reassure people through these trying times.

  • Unfortunately, the nation only has Donald Trump.

  • - Nearly 200 dead, 14,000 who are sick,

  • millions, as you witnessed, who are scared right now.

  • What do you say to Americans who are watching you right now

  • who are scared?

  • - I say that you're a terrible reporter, that's what I say.

  • Go ahead.

  • (reporters chattering)

  • I think that's a very nasty question,

  • and I think it's a very bad signal

  • that you're putting out to the American people.

  • The American people are looking for answers,

  • and they're looking for hope.

  • And you're doing sensationalism,

  • and the same with NBC and Con-cast.

  • I don't call it--

  • I don't call it Comcast, I call it Con-cast.

  • Let me just tell--

  • For whom you work.

  • Let me just tell you something.

  • That's really bad reporting.

  • - Okay.

  • What the hell happened there?

  • That was the easiest softball a president can ever get:

  • what can you say to comfort the nation?

  • And Trump completely lost his shit.

  • This would be like a priest asking you at your wedding,

  • "Do you take this woman's hand in marriage?"

  • And you're just like, "God damn it!

  • "What's with all the questions, man?

  • "Huh?

  • "Why are you interrogating me?

  • "You're a horrible priest, man!

  • "'Til death.'

  • "Why are you asking about death?

  • "I'm as my wedding, man!"

  • So, yet again, Trump came out

  • and turned a press conference into a cage match.

  • But luckily, while Trump is throwing temper tantrums,

  • states in America are doing their own thing.

  • In New York, governor Cuomo, today,

  • ordered all non-essential workers

  • across the state to stay home.

  • And yesterday, the governor of California

  • issued a shelter-in-place order for his state.

  • Now, people in California can still leave their house,

  • but they can only leave to perform necessary activities

  • or run essential businesses.

  • And according to the official guidelines,

  • essential businesses can include things like grocery stores,

  • pharmacies, gas stations, and, this is a real one,

  • marijuana dispensaries.

  • Marijuana dispensaries can stay open.

  • And I totally agree with that.

  • 'Cause if there was ever a time

  • where people need access to marijuana, this is it.

  • Like, forget about washing your hands for 20 seconds.

  • If people are high, they'll wash their hands for 20 minutes,

  • just be like, "Dude, this is like

  • "bubble bath for my fingers, man."

  • And also, weed calms people down.

  • And that's what we all need.

  • 'Cause right now, everyone's in the supermarket

  • acting like they're Samuel L. Jackson.

  • "I'm a need the toilet paper, mother (bleep)!"

  • But with weed, we're gonna be in the aisles

  • walkin' around like Matthew McConaughey,

  • just like, "All right, all right, all right.

  • "Why don't you take one, and I'll take the other number."

  • Oh, and another great reason to smoke weed

  • is that it makes time disappear.

  • Like one time, I had some really strong weed

  • that I smoked at 2:00 p.m. on a Monday,

  • and then it was October.

  • Now, please remember, guys,

  • while some of us are stressing at home

  • about what show to binge next on Netflix,

  • hospitals have a real issue on their hands.

  • They're running out of supplies:

  • face masks, gowns, ventilators, all the equipment they need

  • to protect themselves while they're treating us.

  • So, Roy Wood, Jr. reached out to Dr. Alcarez,

  • a primary care physician here in New York City,